Chai
by Coco107
Summary: Somehow the life of Mikasa Ackerman isn't complete. A journey to her own desires and the truth of her real feelings. For RivaMika Week 5, day 2: spicy and day 7: Vegetal
1. Completely imcomplet

**Chapter summary** : This is the story of a very personal, hot and distressing nigh with herself (and her fantasies).

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 **Completely Incomplete**

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She woke up trembling in darkness; the only sound she heard was her own heavy gasp. The wide open window let a fresh breeze to slip through her room. A full moon, with a faint glow bathed her body and without realizing she thought of him; the way he had looked at her the last time they see each other, how he approached to her every time they were alone, and the countless times his eyes had undressed her. His gaze and words haunted her since that last time. He knew the exact way to make her nervous. She shook her head, Levi shouldn't be in her thoughts; he shouldn't be a major reason to dream, not asleep, not awake.

They met three years ago. At the beginning Mikasa hated his guts. Their disagreement started with a misunderstanding, without real basis and supported by their stubbornness. She didn't remember the exact issue. Little by little, everything changed; teasing comebacks, passionate chats about krav maga and karate, a shared hate for reality shows, his help with her Master thesis, and a mutual care. They grow closer; a relative closeness. After Mikasa graduated, spent time together turned unusual. Mikasa convinced herself it was better that way; her feelings confused and overwhelmed her. For months she avoided him as much as possible; a painful but necessary measure. Yet, he taught her an important lesson, her decisions hardly were his. Levi challenged her. She swore he enjoyed removing her boundaries; this man pursued her no matter how much she tried to elude him.

She could lose herself in his memory, loving every second, though she wouldn't have admitted it. Many nights she longed for his touch, dreaming with the sightless possibility. But for the first time her hands, in soft motions, slid under her underwear. She didn't realize her own actions, and as she caressed herself her head overflowed with him. The aching desire was the tip of the iceberg; she didn't ignore the complexities of their… something… However, indulged her eager, she assured herself, made no difference. Her thighs clamped shut around her hand; every detail of her dream threatened her sanity and a deep whine filled the room. The heat in her flesh burned her and her heart raced.

In her head, his fingers, not hers, were touching her, entering her, while his other hand groped her breasts in the most delicious ways. _Mikasa closed her eyes remembering the intensity of his eyes, how it seemed they had their own language; and just with one glance Levi made her his and his only. And the rest of the world be damned._ Her face turned flamed hot as she inserted a second finger, her thumb stayed on her clit; her imaginary companion became vivid while she recalled his hands. _Long fingers caressing her hand, removing the hair over her face, knowing she trembled at his contact._ Unable to face him, she escaped from the real Levi and she took refuge in her fantasy.

Mikasa put herself down and placed a pillow between her legs, allowing her imagination to flow. She wanted to fuck him badly… _it wasn't just that, she needed his arms around her while he whispered foolish little nothings._ Her desire for him intoxicated her. In such state, the vivid fantasy made her listen to his moans, and her fingers moved faster. One single kiss to the real man stunned her, she remembered too well, and the non-real one couldn't compete; regardless, she felt his lips, his tongue invading her mouth and his hands finding his way with her body. She thrust her fingers inside of her, hard and deep… deeper… She wished she could call him, surrendered to his will, and tell him how wet he made her. Mikasa knew how deeply she desired him, how much she needed his body, and that night, in her head she rode him as if the world was ending. Her fingers worked fast, and she lusted for him and his cock entering her, moving within her again and again. She wanted to moan, to scream with the pleasure that thrummed through her body, and came crying his name.

The more aroused, _the more she relished the reminiscence of his mouth and she craved for the features of his face. Not quite a smiling person is the man in her heart, a reason enough to treasure every one of them. The subtle flinch in the corner of his mouth when he was shy; his infuriating and sardonic smirk when the arrogant bastard, who he was, showed off the worst and best of him; the awkward and endearing tiny up-curve, dedicated to her; and, the broad and stunning gesture she saw one time._

As she recollected the features of his face, her body shuddered quickening her pulse, panting for breath. Her thoughts spiraled out of control. She pictured him pinning her against his office door and tearing apart her underwear. And Oh Sina! Mikasa fantasized about him in his damn car; she sat on top of him, his hands grabbed her ass helping her while she slid him in and out… _She ran her hands through his hair and his penetrating smoky voice whispered words of love, as their protective mantra_. The rhythm of her thoughts moved her hips as well, and she came. **Oh she came!** The intense spasm drained the energy of her body and her mind went black, but it wasn't enough, because **He Was Not There**.

As soon as her ecstasy ended, her hands stopped and her brain recovered from her blackout; ashamed and broken, she fought against herself. At that moment, his deep blue eyes and his soft and annoyingly perfect smile overloaded her thoughts. Mikasa ached for him. She struggled to avoid her feelings, _her stupid need of him, her stupid desire and her stupid love_. Sleep wasn't an option; the sorrow of an impossible future paralyzed her body, not her brain. When the sun rose, she forced herself to take a shower, a cold one. She didn't want to need him, she couldn't be that weak. But it was a lost fight. While she showered, even when she fought against it, Mikasa thought about Levi. She wished, hoped, needed, and as she came she cried out his name one more time.

She wished she could cry and let the tears carry away her pain and sorrow. Mikasa wanted to curl up in her bed and forget the world; instead, she went to work wearing her best deadpan face. When her phone rang, the name on the screen quickened her pulse; still, she didn't answer.

 _You're not being brave, Mikasa. You're, in fact, just a coward._


	2. The missing part

**Chapter summary** : She pretends, he doesn't; she is afraid, he's not.

 **Note** : For RivaMika Week 5, day 7: vegetal-Cardamom. The perfect chai has cardamom. This exquisite and aphrodisiac spice help to stay focus when people over-think.

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 **The missing part**

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An unbearable morning at the office followed and she blushed remembering every fantasy and dream. She couldn't concentrate. The truth be told, the heat in her body and the ache in her heart tortured her, making her remember her weakness. Levi didn't leave her mind, didn't give her a rest. An excruciating mix of guilt and desire swirled in her mind and she explained herself, again, the reasons to stay away; and she tried, again, to make sense of her emotions. She repeated continuously the same words, " _It's just a fantasy. All you need is to get laid; sex and nothing more._ " She sighed at the shameless lie.

Jean came to her cubicle with his usual nervousness, and the worshiping gaze he had every time he approached to Mikasa. He talked about… something, she got distracted imagining Levi and she felt guilty. She shook her head to focus her attention, clear her mind, and stop the madness of her day. It wasn't okay imagining Levi's head between her legs while working… _thought about "that" at any time_. She noticed the way Jean glanced at her, and for one second a possible solution to her dilemma crossed her mind. What if someone else fucked the need of Levi out of her system? She dismissed the idea as soon as it came; if Levi turned her on, no other man would give her what she wanted.

By the end of the day she could, finally, work. She enjoyed her job; Armin worked with her as a team, one of a kind team. They worked at Zoe/Moblit, a successful technology company. Armin was a genius mind developing software and Mikasa was his project manager. Hanji hired them; the enthusiastic and brilliant CEO considered herself one of Mikasa's close friends and the instigator behind the so-called relationship between Mikasa and Levi. Hanji introduced them and she shipped as much as a Supernatural fan shipped Destiel or an Austenian shipped Darcy and Elizabeth. She didn't care if they hated each other or if they had a relationship with someone else.

Back then Mikasa dated Eren, scratch that, back then Mikasa struggled to keep her relationship with Eren, because her temperamental boyfriend didn't love her, love her. Hanji didn't approve her relationship; in her opinion, her beautiful friend needed someone who adored her. The day they broke up, Levi comforted the devastated girl. She cried and cried her pain out and took shelter in Levi's arms. While he hugged her, Hanji's words made more sense.

A lot of things happened since that day, Eren and Annie broke up, he started a pretty damn serious relationship with Sasha and they expected a baby; Mikasa was happy for them. A bunch of things, indeed, Mikasa even dated Marco for few of months. And Levi… she breathed hard and moved from her desk. Why she had to think about it? She never realized her love back then; nothing good would ever come from that train of thought.

She made cardamom tea to focus and finish a project. Later that day, Erwin called her and asked her if he could go to her place that night to get the budget. Mikasa's plans included an Arrow marathon with Hanji, so it worked for her. As soon as she came home, the girl flopped, exhausted, on the coach and howled in frustration. It was a long day's night. It didn't help the lewd and cute images of them coming and going to her mind every five seconds; or her boss with her non-stop talking about Levi. Mikasa swore the universe hated her. As if she needed someone praising every wonder about him. Neither did she ask for a living post-it about his awesomeness. She didn't need to hear about his amazing siblings skills; his relationship with Isabel and Farlan was one of the things she loved the most. How many times a week Hanji talked to her about Levi? Mikasa's reactions challenged and disappointed her boss: her face never showed how much Levi affected her. So, she thanked when Hanji called to cancel.

She took another cold shower. Not just her fantasies, she needed to calm down her heart. Her plans remained and Mikasa watched an episode of Arrow, with butterflies in her tummy thanks to a cute Olicity moment, when someone knocked the door. She took the budget, opened the door and her heart sank into her stomach. Of course it wasn't Erwin! Levi and Erwin were best friends, and Morphy summoned him. He told her something about Erwin having a last minute meeting; so, just to torture her, the world sent Levi for the damn-fucking-shit budget. Life didn't give her lemons; life used a tennis ball machine to throw lemons at her.

Levi stared at her and as soon as she closed the door, she realized she couldn't act cool. Undoubtedly he noticed her nervousness, and he didn't even try to hide his stupid smirk. He took his time while his gaze ran over her body; Mikasa wore a lightweight buttoned mini shirtdress and she was barefoot. He asked for water and she took the chance to avoid his ogle. Safe in the kitchen, Mikasa tried to calm herself, she even answered his questions with a normal tone voice, regardless the wild thumps of her heart. Levi broke down her walls and she felt naked in many ways.

"It's an amazing view."

"Yeah, the city lights are astonishing at night. I was really lucky getting this department. You know… perks of being Hanji Zoe's friend. You should go out on the balcony. You won't get a better view!" When she turned with the glasses she faced him; Levi staring at her and his face softened into a grin. Piercing dark blue eyes meet startled black ones in an intimate conversation.

"I much prefer this view."

She averted her eyes. "So, you need the budget."

Mikasa almost stepped aside when Levi reached out his arm to stop her motion.

"You are beautiful." He closed the distance, his face nearing to hers. She breathed his scent and her legs trembled; her voice would give her away and she opted to remain silent. The answer he got was a soft smile. She wasn't sure if she went for a nervous smile, a polite smile or an I-love-so-much-but-please-stop-teasing-me smile. He took the glasses from her hands and put them at kitchen bar, moving forward and closing the distance. "The way that dress shaped you body empties my brain."

"Erwin's documents, right?" She moved him aside, freeing herself. Mikasa walked to the table where she left the folder. As her heart steadied, she lost time checking the documents, hiding her blush and the shaking of her hands. She couldn't shun her feelings out; his piercing glare sent a trill even if she didn't look at him. Levi came up behind her and laid his hands on her arms, his lips close to the nape of her neck.

"It's cute when you tried to dodge me like this."

Mikasa leaned on the table, warm waves of sensations traveled through her body, throwing her off balance. She escaped again from him; yet, she felt herself close to the point of no return. But Mikasa was, well, Mikasa, and she had a strong will power, so, she used her last weapon; a mass destruction weapon. She watched his face, then, with certainty she asked the one and only thing able to turn them off. Maybe destroyed them in the process.

"How is…?" Levi approached to her once more, and covering her lips with his finger, he didn't let her finish.

"Don't talk about her."

"She's my friend."

"Brat, you know damn well she and I broke up months ago."

"I met _Petra_ last weekend. _Petra_ and I had a brunch in this new bistro near to Eren and Sasha's place." The emphasis she put on his ex-girlfriend's name didn't go unnoticed. It had been a simple yet complicated way to keep their distance. "I thought you and _Petra_ see each other on a regular basis."

He knew how to make her nervous and she knew how to exasperate him. The look on his eyes mixed emotions, and he sent her a hot, yet indignant glare, stirring everything inside her. When Mikasa met Petra, she still dated Eren, and the blonde sweet girl trusted her love for Levi. Hanji told her Levi asked Petra out after Mikasa started her relationship with Marco, but that didn't change a thing. Mikasa and Marco broke up a year ago. Levi and Petra six months after, but Petra still loved him. Everyone knew making friends wasn't Mikasa's forte; so she had this need to protect the few she had with blind passion. However, the way he looked at her made her heart ache.

"It's not like that. Brat, I'd never lie to you." His eyes had fire and she burned under his sight. Unable to avert her eyes but stubborn enough, she fought; pulling strengths from nowhere. He neared the distance between them dangerously. "Are you going to use her as shield forever?"

"I don't understand what are you talking about." She didn't buy her own words and, from Levi's grimace, neither did he. After a brief moment pondering his actions, he smiled at her with a shy and endearing little curl in his lips, and her heart forgot how to beat. He smiled little, people always said it. She supposed the same thing, but he smiled every time they were together. She treasured every one of his smiles; all of them, since the scarce, shy and tiny smiles she adored, to his stupid annoying smirk. Mikasa learned every meaning behind them; he never smiled without a reason. The more she knew him the more she loved him, and that love scared her.

"I wanted to see you." He ogled her and stepped back for a better view, biting his lip before pouting, the world changed its rotation and she died of love. "Ackerman, I don't like you dressing this cute and heart-stopping for another guy."

"I don't dress up for any other guy!" She should have said _for anyone_ , his victorious grin told her so. "You got what I meant."

"I don't fucking care. You don't dress smoking hot for anyone but me."

"You want the budget, right? Erwin told me he needed it asap."

"Not really." As Levi spoke Mikasa got a clear idea about what happened. "Erwin called you to be sure you were here because I asked him; and shitty-glasses canceled your plans to give us a chance to talk."

"You shouldn't have to do this." A soft and sweet reproach made her smile. Mikasa squinted her eyes and tilted her head with a tender warning. His closes friends plotted with him for her. How could she be mad at him? If something, he flattered her. Levi always astounded her.

"Ackerman, you don't answer my calls and keep hiding from me. Yes, I should."

Why everything was so complicated? Why didn't she understand him the first time he approached her? Why her fears froze her? Why he dated Petra? Why she chose Marco? She had no answers, still she wanted to kiss him senseless and let him win the game between them. But she couldn't.

"Good night Levi."

"For real brat! Are you kicking my ass out? Not even a good night kiss? Our second kiss."

She blushed with fierce remembering THE kiss. It started with a 104 Trainees vs. Veterans game, the final game. Their competitive nature kicked and she fell under his trick. Mikasa rooted for the first team, Levi for the second; the Trainees had the ball as she shouted, " _I bet you we'll win_ ", and he took the bet. His motorcycle if she won, a 3-minutes kiss if she lost, and she lost. He won and claimed every second of her lips. Mikasa avoided him since that day.

"It was a bet, nothing more." Another shameless lie, one of the biggest she told in her life.

"Bet against me, again."

"The season is over."

"Brat, we can bet a lot of things… I bet if I keep coming close to you, I'll break your defense… I bet if I kiss you, you will kiss me back."

He moved forward with every word and she clung to the papers as her ultimate resource. Levi stopped when their bodies had no space between them; his hands caressed her arms traveling to took the folder and he put it back to the table. He brought his mouth neared to hers, breathing the same air and making her dizzy. Her eyes trapped in his, understanding and screaming their mutual need.

"Stop playing games."

"Shit, Mikasa Ackerman! Can't you see this isn't a fucking game? I'm not playing!" Despite his words, he wrapped his arms around her waist with tenderness. "Do I really have to tell you that I'm dying for you, brat? It isn't obvious? I know I'm bad at this, but you're the only one oblivious to my actions. Is it too hard to believe that I love you?"

Her mind stopped the sickening spiral, her doubts and fears vanishing under his touch. She was so used to think in everyone else, to live for everyone else, and when she had the chance to take what she wanted, she didn't know how to do it. Her iced walls fell apart and she trembled; but Mikasa trusted his words and for the first time she wasn't afraid of her own happiness. She broke up with Eren because she wanted him to be happy; she walked away from Levi because he questioned why she wasn't her own priority, and he didn't accept her crappy excuses. When Levi and Petra broke up, Mikasa used her as a new excuse to avoid him. Petra was her friend, but Levi didn't love her and Petra told her she needed to move on. Mikasa thought about everyone but herself, and he though she acted stupid, not selfless; her martyrdom hid her fears.

"No." She sheltered her head on his neck, whispering to his ears. "And I don't have to tell you how much I love you, right?"

She didn't expect an answer; yet, he tightened his arms and caressed her hair. His heartbeat softened and even if she couldn't see his face, she knew he smiled and she smiled back. They remained in silence a long time before he moved searching for her lips. Levi kissed her, shy and loving, like any other kiss he ever gave. He rushed nothing, so he moved to the couch, hugging her and un-pausing Netflix.

"Are you watching Arrow?"

"Yeah."

"I like Felicity."

Mikasa smiled and kissed his cheek. He held her against his chest. This kind of happiness was a foreign language for her; but while he talked to her about his day, made bad shit-jokes and complained with her for the lack of Felicity on the chapter, it turned into a familiar feeling without her noticing.


End file.
